Fat boy goes to the pool
See his reflection, doesn't know what to do
He feels little inside and filled with pride
Oh, fragile flame
No one sees the same
fat boy goes about his day
Trying to think of funny things to say
Like, "This is just a game I play"
And "I like me this way"
Oh, fragile flame
When no one feels the same
Hush, sleep, don't think, just eat
You daddy's little boy
You mama's pride and joy
You know they love ya
But not because they hold ya
Fat boy says "Wouldn't it be nice
If I could melt myself like ice
Or outrun my skin and just be pure wind"
Oh, fragile flame
Sometimes I feel the same
Fat Boy - Jewel
When you've been overweight for so long... Wait, let me rephrase... When you've been told you're overweight enough times for so long, you eventually start to believe it. Even if it's not entirely true. Honestly, for a few years there, I was, in fact, overweight. I really did get to be pretty big. In fact, one time after visiting the doctor, I was on my way out the door when he ran back out to talk to me. He said he didn't realize I was 203 pounds. I stood there SHOCKED that he'd actually come out of the back offices to tell me that. I don't even remember how I responded, but he said I should try to lose a little weight. If it's one thing that makes you feel worse than knowing yourself you should lose weight, it's having someone actually TELL you you should do it. In the middle of a lobby full of people. Thanks, Doc, for stating the obvious. I ran out of there red as a lobster.
And even after I'd lost the weight, I still felt like a beached whale! Shopping was still a nightmare (still is). I thought it would get better. But I could still see her: the perpetual fat girl who lives inside my body.
I know she's there. She sits behind the windows of my eyes and criticizes every inch of me. "You shouldn't wear that." Perpetual Fat Girl snidely whispers in my ears in the morning. "You shouldn't eat that." She says with every bite I take. And forget looking in the mirror. She has this thing she does where she makes me think I look fatter than I really do. In fact, she makes me feel like a monster. Really. It's the worst when I'm doing a show. Sitting backstage and watching the skinny girls traipse around the dressing room in their underwear-only covered perfect bodies. Perpetual Fat Girl says that next to them I look like a giant potato shoved into jeans.
Whenever I talk to certain people (mostly people who knew me during my real fat days), Perpetual Fat Girl convinces me that they're secretly thinking I look fat. She tells me that people are just wondering when I will gain it all back. I make jokes to get it out in the open so that people will know that I'm already on top of things and don't intend on completely falling off the wagon.
After having read all that, you may think that it's a wonder I'm not anorexic or bulimic. Well, it's simple, and I would think, clearly obvious: I like food too much (obviously) and after binging and purging so many times, you can wear down your esophagus and that disgusts me. Also, I feel like that could somehow damage my vocal cords, and I'm a singer. So... No eating disorders here... cough cough.
I've been working really hard lately, trying to get Perpetual Fat Girl to move out. I even do things to deliberately go against what she tells me. For example, this summer, I was not the "food nazi" that I normally am. I let myself enjoy things once in a while rather than limiting myself to a strict diet. When I would tell someone that I still had 20 pounds to go and they looked at me funny, Perpetual Fat Girl told me they were just trying to be polite. But, I IGNORED HER! I think I hurt her feelings, because I haven't seen her very often since then. But I know she's there. She does things every now and then to remind me of her existence. And you know how I let her affect me now? I don't let her render me helpless, or even hopeless. She keeps me motivated!
